i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
