I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I believe in your delicious
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
