he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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