it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
