oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
