he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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