Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
