i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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