saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
