Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
