Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
