If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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