As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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