I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
