my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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