Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
