Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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