you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
