totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
