Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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