I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
