Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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