The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
