dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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