True but thats because hes a fetus.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
