You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
