i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
