Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
