Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
