You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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