I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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