i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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