okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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