I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
