Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
