Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
