Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
