Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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