and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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