he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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