you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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