I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
