I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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