I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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