u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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