well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
