my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
