you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
