It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
