They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
