He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
