If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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