So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize