Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
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my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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