Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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