I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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