i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
